


I’ll love you forevermore

by Yougaythen



Series: Nongendered Ben/Callum [1]
Category: Ballum, EastEnders
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Body Dysphoria, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Non gendered/nb ballum because those are my experiences, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pronouns used will be in the top notes, The collection of non gendered fics no one asked for, Warnings for mentions of, but will be either he/him they/them or he/they, credit to @artsyleo for allowing me to do this, general dysphoria, if you don’t like or if this is triggering pls don’t read them, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:41:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29898519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yougaythen/pseuds/Yougaythen
Summary: A collection of non gendered Ben/Callum fics.Life always had its ways to make things difficult yet the add in of dysphoria makes things even harder.Through the chapters either Ben or Callum could identify as enby or any identity that falls around that umbrella!
Relationships: Ballum - Relationship
Series: Nongendered Ben/Callum [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2204772
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	I’ll love you forevermore

**Author's Note:**

> The pronouns used in this specific fic will be he/him. Ben identifies as agender in this!  
> And thank you to Leo for allowing me to post this kind of works!! 
> 
> Please read the warnings in the tags before reading and if this isn’t something you want to read please click away.

The moment he wakes he immediately knows that it’s going to be a difficult day. Callum‘s arms wrapped around his delicate body, hands placed firmly against his chest, he just wants to shuffle out of his embrace and run, yet deep down he knows as soon as Callum is awake he will know exactly how to deal with this like the hundred times he has before, slight guilt sets in before he’s shuffling around in Callums embrace. They’ve gone through this routine a million times before. 

He eventually realises he had to get up, the hold on him making everything worse in that moment and he couldn’t sit in tears here knowing that would make everything so much worse, waking Callum up now wouldn’t be fair on him either especially not at 5am when he had finished the late shift only hours ago and had been so tired upon returning home. So he pushed out of the embrace and tucks his warm pillow between Callums arms, it being some sort of substitute for his own body, and pulling the warmth of the duvet shut over him in the hope that he won’t realise and sleep longer, and yet selfishly Ben wants to wake him, to hear him talk about how much Ben can get through this. 

He heads to the kitchen, flicking on the light by the sofa not wanting too much to flood into the bedroom, pulling a glass from the cupboard and filling it up with cold water, before sitting at the breakfast bar sipping on it gently, hoping that it would reduce the feeling that he was going to cry at any moment. it hurt, not just his body but the way his mind fought against everything that he was wanting to feel. 

He pulls his phone from the side where it had been abandoned the night before, “hmm” he huffs out at the sight of the battery warning coming up. He swipes a finger under his eyes to take away any build up of tears that had formed there not wanting the redness for Callum to see, searching through his camera roll at the sight of family photos and he sighs wishing that he could transport himself back to one of the days, the one showing up of him, Callum and lex all sat together at the zoo for her birthday the previous year, their happy faces without any worries. He sets it to his background and puts it back down in the hope that he can look at it and feel a little better. 

He barely notices the footsteps that emerge from the bedroom, his head too busy shouting at him. 

“What are you doing up, it’s so early” it shocks Ben slightly, there’s no judgment but the slight concern that fills his body when Ben’s like this. He goes to place his hands across Ben’s shoulders in a swift movement but Ben curls himself into the countertop forcing his body away from Callums gentle touch, his tummy hitting into the counter, he winces slightly at the pain on his sensitive skin before focusing back on what’s happening. Callum curses to himself, and he regrets not knowing sooner the signs of what was happening. 

The soft orange light that falls around the flat feels like a piercing red that burns deeper and deeper as he looks ahead at it and the once comforting walls that are dusted in pink and adorned with flowers seem too overwhelming to look at which force his eyes closed. He can barely hear the footsteps that step away and round to the other side of the breakfast bar where Callum sits opposite him, silent and calm making an effort to count as he breathes. The almost silent hope that Ben would follow and not be overwhelmed, break the constantly tightening band from around his chest and mind bringing back his calmer state of mind. 

As soon as Ben’s hand hits against the counter Callums comes to lay on top. Thumb swiping at the soft skin that lays there. A sorry is breathed from Ben’s lips that turns quickly into tears falling from his eyes and he hates this not that Callum can see anything than the tiny sniffles that escape, the way Callum is so patient and loving yet he deep inside Ben knows he shouldn’t be and doesn’t deserve this at all. 

His hand unlatches from on Ben’s and he can just about make out the the lightness of Callums footsteps, he doesn’t dare to lift his head enough to look the rings of bright red that form around his eyes once he’s been crying Callum doesn’t need to see right now. 

The footsteps return with a click from what he presumes is the kettle and a light tap to his arm, Callum treads carefully with touch at this point, he forces his head up slightly, in his hands he has one of Ben’s vest type tops, another slightly baggy top of Callums and the hoodie that Ben almost always wears when he feels dysphoric, it’s that simple movement that makes Ben fall in love all over again, Callum offers him a tissue to wipe around his eyes and then hands over his clothes, “got you one of mine” he smiles at Ben, it’s not forced but almost just there enough to settle the air, Ben half smiles back with a rushed ‘thank you’ before the kettle pops. 

“Do you want to go out them on” Callum questions not really looking for an answer “I’ve covered everything in there if you wanted to” he’s cut off by the slight scraping sound of the bar stool on the floor. Ben walking over to Callum, picking up his hand and placing a kiss to it “I really don’t deserve you” he says when he pulls away, “hey none of that” Callum says back effortlessly, letting Ben wander back into the bedroom to change. 

He pours them both a drink while Ben gets dressed, making Ben’s favourite comfort hot chocolate filled with cream and tiny marshmallows, it’s barely 8am and yet Callum knows Ben could do with the sugar. 

He returns a little while later, the oversized hoodie falling loosely over his frame, “for you” he offers over the cup, it’s warm to the touch meaning Ben can immediately take a sip before falling back against the sofa. 

A pain shoots through his side, his face ruffles up and then starts to relax when he pulls the top away slightly “been a while” he tells Callum and he immediately knows this is the pressure on his chest, Ben not feeling like this for a while. He forces out a smile to let Callum be assured “let me know if it’s too much, we can always get another” he returns. 

“May I” Callum places himself down next to Ben, asking for permission to take his hand “I’m so proud of you” he smiles, leaning forward, hesitating a little before Ben approves, kissing lightly against his forehead. 

They spend the day at home, watching Ben’s favourite tv and Callum making sure he was completely comfortable, he knows these days will come and go often but while they are happening it’s so important that he spends the day making sure Ben is as okay as he can possibly be, distracting him from his own mind.

**Author's Note:**

> As always kudos are appreciated!!
> 
> Writing fics like these are simply for my own benefit and help me in my own dysphoria. I’m somewhat scared to post this but these are similar to my own experiences.


End file.
